Growing Up...

I am presently experiencing a strange dichotomy between feeling like a kid again and feeling old(er). I am living once again in the same bedroom in which I grew up, having been out of it for 7 years while my sister lived there. Being in there brings back funny emotions sometimes of feeling like a kid. Road tripping to Minneapolis on Saturday with my 20 year old sister and my parents brought back kid feelings too: laying in the back, falling asleep to the murmur of my parent's voices. There is still the same inexplicable feeling of safety in that as there was 15 years ago.

Once in a while, I just return to childhood in my mind now that I'm home with my family - moments with my parents that make me wish I was 10 or 12 again, and yet still fully appreciating being an adult, with my parents. I am loving being ‘grown up' and relating to my parents and the rest of the world as an adult, and yet sometimes I feel like I just got ‘old.' I'm not sure what defines ‘old' when I'm 26, and I know that it's not ‘old' in comparison…I don't feel old as a grandma, or even as old as my parents (which doesn't seem ‘old' to me anymore).

I guess I simply realize sometimes that I AM 26, not 16. I attend my siblings show choir competitions with more of a proud parent perspective than a cheering sister, and Karyssa (16) told me I sounded ‘like a mom' the other day. Ha Ha!! Oh well. I actually am just fine with that. I am ridiculously proud of my younger siblings for everything they are doing with their lives, not just with show choir, and I'm not ashamed to tell the world, even if it makes me sound ‘like a mom'. So I guess it's some of those things that make me feel older…maybe I'm just feeling my actual age.

At 26, most around me are married, with one to several kids; my younger brother is married, all my high school friends are married, and I'm living at home! I know many of us post World Racers are in very similar places in life, but none live near me, so I'm most aware of those around me at church.

This separation of lives between myself and others used to be a really hard issue for me. I didn't know how to relate to married people, or those with kids and to be honest, I believe that once people marry and start having kids, they don't know how to relate to single people as well as they used to. Lives take on different focuses, and that's normal and mostly good. I used to feel so alone and sorry for myself because I wasn't a part of the ‘married' people, and they couldn't understand so much of who I was/am.

I believe I have grown (gotten ‘old') and now my identity is not so much in whether people relate to me but whether I am honestly relating to my Jesus. It bothers me much less that my life looks differently than so many around me. And I think that now I am able to share life as an adult, (not with an insecure teenage mindset) with other adults, married or single, parents or not, older or younger than myself. I can't say I really know what this looks like, because I'm not sure I'm living it out, but I'm not afraid of it anymore. I am beginning to realize my capabilities as a grown woman…working as a free medical clinic manager; relating to people of all ages and many walks of life; discipling people wherever I am; doing whatever I do with excellence. In recognizing these skills, I also recognize my lack in follow through…believing on a day to day basis that it's all true. But I'm learning. Day to day.

And while I'm learning to be an adult, I still enjoy the moments with my siblings and my parents that bring me back to being a kid again…silliness, safety, peacefulness, freedom, and love…

Creative Beauty

The sun has risen in a blue sky over a another freshly fallen snow, reminding me more of Colorado winters than typical Iowa winters. In all my memories (and my mom's), there has never been a year here in Iowa where we have had as much snow and as cold of weather as this year. Or as much sun. It's been one long, but absolutely beautiful winter. Each time it warms enough to melt what's on the ground, another snow-filled storm follows, covering the ground that had begun to peak out, wishing for spring.

As much as I am looking forward to warmer weather (I've never been a cold lover), I am certainly not missing the incredible beauty that God is giving right now. The snow was wet yesterday, blowing from the north and is piled high on every little branch of the trees, now reflecting the sun, glittering rainbows and sparkles. I wish had words to express the beauty of untouched snow - in the yard, on the roofs, on the trees. Gorgeous.

Winter snow is one thing we didn't experience on the Race last year, (and for that I'm forever thankful) but we saw so much beauty that it became almost easy to take it for granted. Now, as I look through pictures and am reminded of the mountains, oceans, deserts, and people that we saw, I miss that beauty. And then He reminds me to look out the window. This is beauty just as great, created by him to be appreciated by me.

God's creativity is absolutely amazing.

Encountering the Presence of Jesus

A couple weeks ago at Starbucks, we were short a supervisor, so we had one from another store come cover the couple shifts we were lacking. Having a ‘borrowed partner' is always a little interesting, especially a supervisor, because as much as the stores are the same, people operate them differently from place to place.

To be honest, I was struggling to stay positive at work due to various aspects, some related to work, some not. I was feeling overwhelmed, and not excited to work, and on top of that, had been sick for over a week, for the second time in a month. Tired and not facing the day with a lot of energy, I arrived at work, where I met our borrowed supervisor.

When she greeted me, my spirit jumped. I can't even really explain it, except that I felt that we were alike. I wondered at that moment if she was a believer. She came into our store, and managed it beautifully, with grace and initiative, and a positive attitude. It took till the end of the shift before we both were bold enough to say out loud that we are both followers of Jesus, and then we talked about the Lord, very openly. I was so encouraged to meet someone so excited and on fire for Jesus. I know that it was God's timing to bring her into my life for that short time, but long enough to realize that there are people who are excited for the Lord and living with a zeal and passion for Him.

This event actually happened before my blog on passion, but I had already forgotten about it. I had allowed such encouragement to drift from my heart and became overwhelmed in something else. But the Holy Spirit has recently reminded me of this wonderful encounter and I have to share it. I was so encouraged in Spirit and excited when I left, and the fruit meeting Jesus in someone else was not only spiritual and emotional, but physical as well. I was no longer physically sick after that day. A cold and deep chest cough had been bothering me for a while, and it just wasn't after that. I give all Glory to God for that, and can't deny at all that the presence of Jesus heals.

When we encounter Him, we can be healed. Do we believe it? Do we embrace it? The whole thing made me wonder if I walk around carrying the presence of Jesus everywhere I go. If people can be healed by encountering Him, am I walking in obedience so that they can encounter Him in me? Jesus, may I ever be increasing in intimacy with you that others may not miss what you have for them through me. My desire is to always be your vessel…one that brings Your joy, healing and restoration to others.

Another Blog Site...do I really want this?

So I started my blogging life with a xanga site when I moved to New Orleans two years ago. Then I ventured around the world with The World Race, and used the World Race blog site. But now, I'm not on the World Race anymore, so maybe I should move on...
My thought is that I am still a 'former' WRer, and maybe people like to follow what happens to us now, and in transferring my site, I may lose some readers. I fear people may simply become overwhelmed by how many addresses I exist at. Hmm...
So, this is just a test for now. We'll see how it turns out. This site also may cause a slight issue, as our web blocker blocks it, so others may do the same. That's not so cool.