Encountering God - An Old blog, but oh so good

Flight from London to South Africa, May 4^th and 5^th 2007, depending on which time zone I count.

It's very late and I am quite sure that everyone else on the plane is sleeping, but I am wide awake. Missing home, missing my family, particularly my 2 day old nephew, Aidan. I am feeling totally unprepared spiritually and emotionally for Mozambique in a matter of days. I have a cold and I haven't had any significant sleep in 2 days, and won't for nearly another day. Travel days are hard. I am fighting a stuffy head cold, so all these things combined are making each thing seem more dramatic than it is actually. I am aware that this is true, but my emotions are still so tangible right now.

I'm glad for the plane engine noise that covers the sound that my seemingly unstoppable tears bring, and for sleeping people who are unaware of my personal struggle. To be honest there is a part of me that wishes someone would awaken and see my tears, but for what? My own sympathy. But I know my tears are to be seen and carried by my heavenly Father alone.

How have I allowed myself to become so complacent in my time with Jesus, in honest seeking relationship with him? I don't know what will happen in Mozambique - what things I will be exposed to, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I will make it through, no doubt; the question is, will I be as God has called me to be within it all? Can I be the woman he wants me to be there and then, when I didn't prepare myself enough ahead of time?

I look out of the window into the midnight sky, but see only clouds. I know we are flying over north Africa, and I am suddenly overwhelmed with love for the people in that land. I begin to pray for the countries, for their people, for salvation and the knowledge of Jesus to penetrate the hearts, for missionaries to set foot there and prosper, for God's grace and truth to be known.

'Lord, I know it's dark, and I wouldn't be able to see much, but can you move the clouds so I can try to see the land?'

I continue to pour our my heart to Jesus, perhaps more accuarately, he pours His heart into me for these people for this brief time, and I embrace it, and the tears that come from that as well. Clouds still in place, I close the window, and my prayers go back to my previous thoughts.

What should I have done to be more prepared? A lot of things - more prayer, memorization of scripture, more time with Jesus, more time worshipping, etc... But I know I can't go backwards, only forward from here. How Quickly I am distracted, by things even such as ministry and other valuable relationships.

'Forgive me Father, and receive my worship. Forgive me for not being obedient in everything along the way.'

My heart hears him whisper, 

"It doesn't matter, Alissa. You are forgiven and my mercies and grace are new and abundant everyday. Grab them and go forward with me."

A few more tears of appreciation and worship, and my heart finally rests. I am ready to sleep now. I grab my pillow and rearrange my seating in order to get comfy for a couple hours of rest. I utter another prayer of thankfullness as I settle into my window seat and empty middle seat - that is indeed a blessing. Sleep can finally come now.

"Open the window and see the land Alissa."

'What God?! - you're kidding right? I just got comfortable.'

"Not kidding. Just check."

I know I can't argue with my loving Father too much, and besides, I am curious now. I get up and my pillows fall from position; I turn and open the window, and again the tears begin to flow. The clouds have completely dissolved, and from the light of the moon and that stars that shine in great abundance above, I can see the land. I can see the desert below. Not in detail, but I can see it.

This is how much my Father loves me - that he allowed me to see this sight, the beauty of his creation. But even more, the simple reminder that he hears my prayers. I am overcome knowing that if He hears a prayer to move the clouds so I can see the land, I can count on Him hearing all the other prayers that left my heart and mind. And He will be faithful to answer them. All of them... My prayers for Aidan, Julianna, the rest of my family; team ZEO and the rest of the racers; North Africa, Mozambique, Swaziland; prayers from my aching heart, my confessions, my praise, and my adoration of Him.

The emotions have been altered now, from sadness and feelings of overwhelmingness, to those of gratitude and joy, and I know that I can rest now.

The clouds are back now. But that's okay. I have see what I needed to see tonight. I have seen God.

'I have seen YOU, Lord. Thank You. I love you. Good night.'

I close the window and drift to sleep.