Thunderstorms make me dreamy

It’s raining here, not quite the thunderstorm I was hoping for, but a good solid spring rain.  I’m so happy to be experiencing my spring a couple weeks early.  Spring rains are meant to wash away the winter remains, and I love them!

I was talking with Catherine and Spencer last night, about my trip, and realized I haven’t really talked about it much lately, as is expected.  I had to ‘get in the zone’ to remember things...people groups, where I was, what I did, when I was there, etc...  It sure was good to look back again.  I found that some of the issues I thought were a big deal as they occurred and then even when I first came back, are now not.  It makes me laugh now. ... ‘Oh, so and so was so annoying then, but now I can’t even remember why’, or ‘I was so upset and offended during that time, but now I can’t remember why or at whom.’  It’s nice to realize that life moves on and perspective changes as time passes.  I hope to one day live with a clearer present perspective, less offended and more graceful.

I love being with friends, talking about life, about my trip, about knowing Jesus, finding passion, living with purpose and raising kids to do the same. (Not that I have them, but now many of my friends do, and I have great influence on my niece and nephew even now).

Being with friends here again makes me all the more motivated to do what it takes to make and find good friends in Des Moines.  I have wandered around in loneliness too much at home, mostly in years past, but the temptation is there now again.  I know they are out there, and I have been too caught up in my own selfishness and self pity to find them, hoping that people would come out of nowhere to be my best friend.  I am reminded that I do have great friends all over the country even if I don’t talk to them all the time, and certainly never really see them.  

I love Catherine and Spencer because our relationship during the 7 weeks I lived with them showed me that I was able (and even really enjoyed) relating to married couples, and that it’s normal for married couples to relate well with singles.  I have to put in a word for them, and say that they are amazing people, and I don’t think they are normal (in a good way:-) ), but they instilled hope in me to have friendship with other marrieds.

Back in Gainesville

I’m sitting in Catherine and Spencer’s living room in Dahlonaga, GA, just north of Gainesville.  I arrived in Atlanta late Wednesday night, and Danielle picked me up from the airport.  I spent the night, the following day and night with her in Lawrenceville.  We had a really refreshing time of talking, along with some great food from the restaurant at which she works.  

After some debating and attempting to arrange to see all my scattered Georgia friends, I opted for renting a little car, a Kia Rio to be exact.  It’s about the size of a jelly bean, and gold, but good enough for me.  So this morning, I jumped in my little ‘gold nugget’ and headed up to Gainesville, stopping at REI outdoor sports store, and Panera on my way.  I dropped by my original Starbucks store, and said hello to the one person working that I knew from nearly a year and a half ago.  Then on to Catherine and Spencer’s, where 

I plan on spending the whole weekend, with visits into Gainesville here and there.  I am excited to simply be in a beautiful, warm place, enjoying friends, sharing stories of our respective years, and doing a lot of nothing.  

My hope is that now since I have my own computer and a little bit of time on my hands, maybe now I can get some of my million World Race pictures sorted out.  ...Hopefully....

I love it here in Georgia.  Signs of spring are much more abundant than at home (certainly to be expected), and I’m soaking in every bit of it.  Some trees are green, but the most lovely are those that are blossoming with pinkish white flower blossoms before the leaves show up.  They remind me of the “White Way of Delight” of which Anne of Green Gables so fondly spoke.  I’m surrounded by hills and never ending woods and forests.  I had forgotten how pretty it is here, and how much I actually enjoyed living here last year...er...the year before....2006.

It felt good to travel again too; to be at an airport, flying, waiting for luggage...the whole bit.  I was alone this time, not with 20-50 other people, but it was still fun.  I have always loved the being in airports, and flying, whether alone or with company.  Admittedly, I would prefer to travel with someone, (though maybe not 50 someones), but there are certain adventures one can only enjoy alone.  I love people watching, and then having brief conversations with strangers, opportunities I am not so eager to take with a familiar face right next to me.  I was able to make the decision to walk the half mile to the next terminal instead of taking the train without consulting anyone, and as I did, so did the flight crew from my flight, so I chatted with them as we walked. (The train didn’t seem to be coming and the computerized timer kept counting down from 3 minutes, over and over....obviously there was a problem, and I didn’t feel like standing around with frustrated people.)  Oh, the simplicity of traveling alone.  I loved the last year when I didn’t have to make all the decisions, and be responsible for all the gang, but this week, I am really appreciating the freedom of making decisions for myself, since it only affects me. :-)

Growing Up...

I am presently experiencing a strange dichotomy between feeling like a kid again and feeling old(er). I am living once again in the same bedroom in which I grew up, having been out of it for 7 years while my sister lived there. Being in there brings back funny emotions sometimes of feeling like a kid. Road tripping to Minneapolis on Saturday with my 20 year old sister and my parents brought back kid feelings too: laying in the back, falling asleep to the murmur of my parent's voices. There is still the same inexplicable feeling of safety in that as there was 15 years ago.

Once in a while, I just return to childhood in my mind now that I'm home with my family - moments with my parents that make me wish I was 10 or 12 again, and yet still fully appreciating being an adult, with my parents. I am loving being ‘grown up' and relating to my parents and the rest of the world as an adult, and yet sometimes I feel like I just got ‘old.' I'm not sure what defines ‘old' when I'm 26, and I know that it's not ‘old' in comparison…I don't feel old as a grandma, or even as old as my parents (which doesn't seem ‘old' to me anymore).

I guess I simply realize sometimes that I AM 26, not 16. I attend my siblings show choir competitions with more of a proud parent perspective than a cheering sister, and Karyssa (16) told me I sounded ‘like a mom' the other day. Ha Ha!! Oh well. I actually am just fine with that. I am ridiculously proud of my younger siblings for everything they are doing with their lives, not just with show choir, and I'm not ashamed to tell the world, even if it makes me sound ‘like a mom'. So I guess it's some of those things that make me feel older…maybe I'm just feeling my actual age.

At 26, most around me are married, with one to several kids; my younger brother is married, all my high school friends are married, and I'm living at home! I know many of us post World Racers are in very similar places in life, but none live near me, so I'm most aware of those around me at church.

This separation of lives between myself and others used to be a really hard issue for me. I didn't know how to relate to married people, or those with kids and to be honest, I believe that once people marry and start having kids, they don't know how to relate to single people as well as they used to. Lives take on different focuses, and that's normal and mostly good. I used to feel so alone and sorry for myself because I wasn't a part of the ‘married' people, and they couldn't understand so much of who I was/am.

I believe I have grown (gotten ‘old') and now my identity is not so much in whether people relate to me but whether I am honestly relating to my Jesus. It bothers me much less that my life looks differently than so many around me. And I think that now I am able to share life as an adult, (not with an insecure teenage mindset) with other adults, married or single, parents or not, older or younger than myself. I can't say I really know what this looks like, because I'm not sure I'm living it out, but I'm not afraid of it anymore. I am beginning to realize my capabilities as a grown woman…working as a free medical clinic manager; relating to people of all ages and many walks of life; discipling people wherever I am; doing whatever I do with excellence. In recognizing these skills, I also recognize my lack in follow through…believing on a day to day basis that it's all true. But I'm learning. Day to day.

And while I'm learning to be an adult, I still enjoy the moments with my siblings and my parents that bring me back to being a kid again…silliness, safety, peacefulness, freedom, and love…